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Articles: My Experience | Be loving Parents to son; never frightful in-laws to a daughter-in-law
- Mrs. sharmila Sanka
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I craved to write an article about a daughter-in-law, in-laws and a husband after hearing so many mournful stories. In fact every family suffers because of the irresponsibility of some family member. I did not have the intention to speak for a particular relation be it in-laws or daughter-in-law or a husband. I wanted to point out the common mistakes these people make and also suggested ways to rectify. I wrote this article not as a mother, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law or as a wife but as a mere human being which gave rise to 3 titles for a single article. I ask for forgiveness if this article hurts any one and I pray to God to help me live as a responsible being.
Title(s) for this Article:
Be loving Parents to son; never frightful in-laws to a daughter-in-law
Be caring wife to husband; never a possessive daughter-in-law
Be responsible son to parents; never irresponsible towards wife
There is a word in the human world which terrorizes every limb of a married woman; which controls her from any part of the earth; which is as omnipresent as the Lord who sees this married woman from anywhere; who is as omniscient as the Lord who acquires all knowledge about this woman no matter how far away she is from her. That word is no other than ‘Mother-in-law.’
There is also another word in the same human language who mistakes any action of an elderly woman; who is the middle part who comes in between and becomes more possessive than the real CAUSE of a husband’s birth; that word is no other than ‘Daughter-in-law.’
There is a common being who acts and gets crushed in between these two people and he is no other than a ‘H’usband. ‘M’ is thought to be approached first by this ‘H’ and later approachable to ‘W’ not only as per the alphabetical list but per the list of events of Life. But ‘W’ thinks ‘H’ is the property of hers as it is ‘W’ alone that ‘H’ remains with till the end and it is ‘W’ alone which makes ‘M’’s dream of increasing the number of generations possible.
This eternal story can be famed as an Epic even greater than Ramayana or Mahabharata. But this materialistic epic grows with experiences and even the Lord cannot conclude if it is the mother-in-law or the daughter-in-law that collapses the roots of Love in a Home.
Mother-in-law is a mother and acts as a mother to every one in her family only until the son gets married. Once he is married and some one’s daughter becomes a daughter-in-law to her home, her selfless motherly love assumes the form of selfish possessiveness and this possessiveness inside her is termed as Mother-in-law. This feeling forms the base and root cause for diversity in the family; not the arrival of a daughter-in-law.
Expectations of mother-in-law exceed the deservedness and capability of a daughter-in-law. After all, she has just stepped out as a child of her mother and caught up in the web of ‘responsibility’ with the term ‘marriage’ into her in-laws’ house. Her expectations towards her daughter-in-law are higher than a greedy person on the earth. The moment she enters a house, she is not treated and caressed as a new bride but as a new servant free of charge. She is actually a person who had to pay some charges at the cost of her parents to serve this house.
There is an endless list of a daughter-in-law’s responsibility towards her in-laws’ expectation.
A daughter-in-law is expected to be an embodiment of humility no matter how she is treated.
She cannot speak more than a few words to her husband with freedom no matter how newly married they are.
The moment she sits, she is immediately reminded of her duties by any person in the house, no matter what age or gender he or she is.
She is expected to wake up and do the household chores no matter how ill she is.
She is expected to care her little or big kids, work at home and take care of elders in the family. No time to spend little time with her husband who is most important to her due to which sole reason she entered her in-laws’ house.
She is expected to stay and serve in that house even though husband is in a far away state or city. Sometimes she is not given permission to go along with her husband. She is restricted in the name of traditions, relations, inauspicious dates of journey and responsibilities.
To go to the house where she was born and to visit her own parents who were her life till she got married, a formal permission needs to be granted by her in-laws and it is terrible for her to watch them make faces of thousand kinds to send her there for few days. Don’t they know the love between a child and a mother, to be precise between a daughter and a mother? They know only to a certain extent i.e. only regarding their own daughter. They want their daughter to visit them quite often but they hate to send their daughter-in-law to her mother’s house. If the daughter-in-law wants to visit her parents little more than their expectation, they say that in-laws’ home is the only real home for a married woman and not her parents’ house where she was born and brought up. But do they say the same words in case of sharing love and care? Do they ever say in-laws house is the only real home for her to sit and enjoy? Don’t they realize it is their home which has to give the daughter-in-law freedom and happiness? Does she need to be responsible only while loading herself with work? Not when she is to enjoy the privacy and peace? She thinks- “alas! How cruel this thought seems to be? Do I need permission to go to my mother’s house? They dare not take this independence from me.”
She is expected to wish and greet even the most hateful neighbour of her in-laws house or even a stranger but her parents are never greeted with a smile by her in-laws. They hate to hear the news of arrival of even a little soul from her parents’ house.
Can she forget the way they behaved towards her family before and after marriage? In-laws forget those days when they ill treated her family but from that day onwards her family will not dare to forget their behaviour towards them.
She is expected to work like a machine and if that machine faces a problem, even then she is expected to work as usual. Does it mean she doesn’t have a heart or is it that they do not have a heart?
They forcibly keep reminding their son how hard they worked to bring him up and to get him educated. They remind the son only after marriage. They become so possessive that they repeatedly utter these words in order to grab his gratitude. Even the father of their daughter-in-law worked as hard as them to bring her up and to quench their financial thirst. Do they realize this any time in their lives?
Above all, there is one truth every being in in-laws’ house needs to meditate upon-
A daughter-in-law is also a human being and her behaviour and actions are mainly based upon the way her own family brought her up. Mostly she is a mixture of their tastes. Above all, she develops into her own being according to her maturity and experience. She develops her own ideas, has her own aspirations, and works on her own dreams to fulfill her life objective on earth. But once she is married, she is expected to change overnight? She is expected to dump all her dreams, imaginations, aspirations and expectations in the trash? She is expected to reduce and kill her love towards her parents and develop love towards beings who she didn’t even know until her husband got into her life. One might question- while her husband is also a stranger to her until she got married but doesn’t she develop untold love towards him? Yes, but she is married to his love and her life is for him. But what importance does loving others have when she is not given time for herself to understand her husband and caress him?
She is expected to be optimistic towards people who don’t seem to understand her any time; who seem to talk ill of her every moment when given the chance; who secretly listens to her conversations on phone; who doubt her arrival when she is late in few minutes; who utters words of grudge about her in her absence before her husband?
A mother-in-law becomes uncontrollable in the presence of her daughters as they feed mother’s heart with hostility towards her. A sister-in-law loves to escape her in-laws’ house and settle down in her mother’s house but a daughter-in-law of that house will be harassed if she dares to go to her mother’s house. Who will serve her and her parents if daughter-in-law goes away to her mother’s house? She doesn’t like to work at her in-laws’ house but she wants the daughter-in-law to work all day.
The above are the common thoughts which heavily occupy the mind of a daughter-in-law of a house.
But are the above true?
“They are absolutely false statements and we do not treat our daughters-in-law that way.” So respond the in-laws.
Let us now see the other side of a daughter-in-law.
The moment she is engaged with her would-be, she dreams positive about him and imagines all negative about her in-laws. She tries to find discomfort in that house even before getting married and even way before entering that house. She imagines the whole house to be a bed of thorns in her life of rose garden.
She develops a negative attitude towards anything her in-laws say or ask her to do. She feels they are ordering her to do but are not requesting. She fails to realize they are elders and so seldom do they act humble though humble at heart. Their age gives them the authority to speak bluntly.
Anything her in-laws and sister-in-law whisper, she imagines they are talking ill of her all the time.
She tries to hold her husband in her fist and she even goes to the extent of lying about her in-laws in order to grab his consideration and false sympathy. She does not realize all those actions and thoughts are being recorded as karmas. She is too busy to plan ideas so as to poison her husband’s mind to dominate his tender love for his parents in his heart. She fails to live a life of truth on the earth plane not to talk about the life on the spiritual plane. Does she know there is God watching all her intentions and actions?
In-laws are old enough to live a peaceful life. She fails to understand they are the same as her parents and that she has to serve them as per the need. They are the ones who are the root cause for gifting her life with her husband and she should not feel too possessive about him. She has to give in-laws the liberty to spend happy times with him.
She expects to receive their riches and wealth after their death but kills them mentally while alive. She inherits their wealth but not the responsibility of their welfare?
She acts humble and as a good worker before their relatives but she is actually not so. She tries to attract relatives but never her in-laws with her work and love. Above all, she finds them as a great hindrance to her life of privacy, happiness and enjoyment. She forgets that she will one day become a mother-in-law whom she presently hates beyond limits.
Now comes the role of a Son in a family-
The son craves to be independent in his thoughts and actions since he attains the age of teens. He escapes from his parents’ view in order to enjoy life with friends outside. He acts to be irresponsible and the reason for this is childhood in his view.
He educates himself at the cost of his parents and doesn’t really bother to show any feelings of love or even hatred towards them in his childhood or teenage. Parents do not care or observe this attitude of him at this stage. Later as his parents grow older, they pay too much attention in getting him married. God alone knows if it is to acquire instant wealth or a person who serves them all their lives no matter if her husband is taken care of or not. Their greed shows on their faces from the beginning of the marriage proposal till and even after it ends.
Once daughter-in-law enters the house, they feel so possessive about him. They do not hate her in the beginning. Even the most common habit of their son is watched in a different way and pointed out and they start teasing him seriously saying he is changed after marriage. This is the biggest punishment and harassment for a newly married son. The moment he expresses dislike for even food after marriage, he is addressed as some one who is changed after marrying her. They attribute this change to his married life and this is the beginning for a war at home. What ever he does, daughter-in-law will be blamed. When good happens, they do not attribute this to her. But if anything bad happens, her in-laws, relatives and even neighbours gossip and blame her entry into their house and it becomes a sour scar in her happy life.
Husband is very loving in the beginning of his married life. He tries to protect his wife from all forces and beings. He goes after her and craves to spend some lonely time with her. What ever new wife does will be pleasing to him. He stays away from his friends and relatives in the mirth of being married. He wishes to reach the Moon with his Honey in the name of ‘Honey Moon.’ But as days and months pass by, his over enthusiasm tumbles down and acts opposite to his formal behaviour.
He starts going away from her unlike before; he points out her aspects saying they are her mistakes; you should adjust with your in-laws and give respect for their age, he argues. He likes to spend more time with outsiders and friends than with his wife who awaits his arrival with tons of enthusiasm and selflessness.
If he is good and thoughtful, he identifies where exactly and in whom the mistake lies and rectifies. But if he is some one who is blind with his mother’s love, he starts sharing his mother’s hatred with his wife.
He never bothered to express his love towards his parents before but once he is married, he feels possessive about his parents and keeps warning his wife to behave well with his parents. He forces her to caress his parents no matter how they treat her. He says it is her responsibility to stay in her in-laws’ house and perform all duties. He fusses to send her to her parents’ house. It is not that he cannot live without her but that the household work will need to be done by his mother alone. This leads to developing of grudge by the daughter-in-law on her in-laws. Thus war within the war starts between husband and wife and it never ends. Husband gets crushed in this wheel of existence at home. Father-in-law seldom speaks because mother-in-law held his tongue in her grip.
This is the worldly Epic of every house in this modern age. Why is it so? What is the solution for this invisible war where hatred resides in every heart?
There are some truths, guidelines or principles which every person should realize and think with heart rather than with mind to promote peace at home.
Daughter-in-law:
1) A daughter-in-law should enter her in-laws’ house with optimism. Her positive energy is more important for a happy life of every being in that house.
2) She should not be possessive of her husband when being nurtured by her in-laws.
3) She ought to remember that her mother is also a mother-in-law and that she herself will also become a mother-in-law and should imagine how terrible it will be physically and mentally to be away from her son after his marriage at her old age.
4) She is young and still tired of working from morning till dawn. What about her in-laws who are very old and who need love and care at this time? She should perform her duties as a daughter more than a daughter-in-law.
5) She ought to remember a truth- just because her mother had terrible time with her daughter-in-law who is negative minded, it shouldn’t mean she should also put her mother-in-law to suffering. Every person differs.
6) If her in-laws are very hostile, she has always a right to express her opinion and suffering to her husband but never ever exaggerate it or speak lies about them. It is a great sin. It is very tempting to speak untruth about them but if she wants God’s mercy in her life, she has to live as per His wish. She just has to pray to God to bless her and He will take care of her. God’s delays are not His denials.
7) She should never obstruct him from financing his parents. After all he owes his life to them let alone money-an exchange of energy.
8) She has to walk on the path of truth spreading the fragrance of justice in her heart. Then no one can dare to humiliate her or deceive her life; not even her husband.
In-laws:
1) They have to get rid of avarice in the first place. Till the son gets married, they aspire for a girl of humility though not rich. But once he gets married to her, they should not harass her for money. In the first place, they have to decide if they want a wealthy girl or they are okay with a girl from not-so-rich family. They should not dare to raise their voice in the name of money after marriage.
2) They should realize that they should not be the cause for differences in the lives of their son and daughter-in-law. They ought to remember that a daughter of some house has come from far off place as their daughter-in-law to first be a wife and then a daughter-in-law to them. They should give her liberty to her who has her own dreams about her married life. After all, freedom is the goal of any soul.
3) They need to remember to treat their daughter-in-law as their own daughter. Daughter goes away from their house even before serving her own parents completely but it is the daughter-in-law who sacrifices rest of her life for them. Sacrificing her life is sacrificing her liberty and aspirations.
4) Mother-in-law holds grip on her son as well as her husband but her daughter-in-law should not dare to do the same. M-I-L has her son and husband to listen to her. But D-I-L has no one in that house. Change of M-I-L’s attitude is needed. The mother-in-law should not ignore the truth that she was also a daughter-in-law before and that she should not hurt her daughter-in-law as she knows the pain of being hurt before by her in-laws.
5) In-laws should understand and give some time to their son and daughter-in-law, for they need it in a joint family.
Son/Husband:
1) Firstly he should not be filled with infatuation in the beginning of married life. He should be capable of leading a balanced life in order not to seem to his wife as a changed person and in order not to be crushed in between his wife and parents. He has to act like a matured person and should not sway from his good principles even before his wife who is new. He should not give her the liberty to act in such a way that she becomes inconvenient to her in-laws.
2) He should be a good judge; should not harass his wife just because she is younger than her in-laws when it is their mistake. He should be daring to express his verdict with justice. He should correct any one who makes a mistake.
3) He should never act blind and should never believe any words of pessimism thoughtlessly. He should observe every one’s behaviour before coming to conclusion.
4) He should be loving to her and should not act in a way that arouses possessiveness in her.
5) He should spend some time with his wife as she has no one who is more understanding, caring and loving than him.
Is it better to live separately and then be happy or to fight at all times living under the same roof? It appears that if the mother-in-law is good, daughter-in-law is narrow-minded. If daughter-in-law is understanding, mother-in-law is threatening. Will there be any solution to this issue which seems to be global?
When, in-laws act as parents to their daughter-in-law, when D-I-L cares and loves them as her parents, when the son acts as a responsible son before his parents and as a responsible and caring husband before his wife, this internal war will come to an end and a house will be converted in to a sweet home formed with the base and roots of ‘Understanding’ with the 4 walls of Love, Care, Trust and Harmony surrounding this peaceful Home. But theoretically it is as soft as the heart of God, as sweet as the song of a koala bird and as convincing as that of a good writer’s story but the question is that –
is it really practicable at all? Only God who created these minds is capable of judging and suggesting the mode of people’s behaviour.
“May every house become a Home and every being in it become a loving being.”
- Sharmila Sanka
Written on Oct 26th 2005
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